SATIRE: Local Adventist Finally Admits Cookie Binge Was His Own Fault, Not Satan’s

In a groundbreaking moment of personal accountability, local church member Brad Thompson has publicly acknowledged that his recent demolition of an entire batch of his wife’s freshly baked chocolate chip cookies was, in fact, not the result of satanic temptation.

“I’ve spent years blaming the devil for my cookie-related infractions,” Thompson admitted while brushing crumbs from his shirt during potluck. “But let’s be honest – Satan wasn’t hovering over my shoulder with a glass of almond milk, whispering, ‘Just one more won’t hurt.’”

The revelation came after Thompson’s wife, Sarah, caught him red-handed at 2 AM, illuminated by nothing but the refrigerator light and his guilt. “I was about to launch into my usual speech about spiritual warfare,” Thompson explained, “when I realized that maybe, just maybe, I simply wanted those cookies.”

Church elders are reportedly concerned that Thompson’s admission could spark a dangerous trend of personal responsibility among members. “Next thing you know, people will start admitting they’re late to church because they didn’t set their alarms, not because of spiritual attacks,” worried head elder Johnson, while discretely reaching for his third serving of haystacks.